Hall Monitor Helen is a video written by, directed by and starring Brandon Rogers. It was uploaded on 8th November 2015, and as of 14th February 2016, has generated over 4,000,000 views. It was met with largely positive praise. The video follows Helen Brownstein, the hall monitor and detention teacher of an elementary school.
The video is a compilation of short clips, all featuring Hall Monitor Helen. These clips include:
- Helen telling a child to stop running in the corridor & calling him a "little asshole"
- Helen calling for backup from Principal Morris after the kindergarten children start raping each other
- Helen telling the children to do their work & not to talk while supervising detention
- Insulting the children, including calling them "trolls", "little assholes" & "fags"
- Helen using a water fountain to splash water through her shorts to cure her vaginal dryness
- Helen commenting on the students' work
- Helen finding out that a child has defecated themselves
- Helen telling the children not to talk & say that the classroom "is a place of silence"
- Helen commenting on the sexualities of teachers
- Helen discouraging the ambitions of children
- Helen being hit in the head with a lunch bag
- Helen finding & commenting on cartoons of herself performing sexual acts
- Helen catching students smoking weed in the restroom, which results in students ripping her shorts off
- Helen reporting to the principal about one of the second graders being on fire
- Helen telling young girls that they will (or in the case of Melissa, won't) be molested for wearing shorts
- Helen reacting to a fourth grader, Timmy, telling her that he's gay
- Helen telling Principal Morris about Timmy's sexuality, while accidentally broadcasting it to the whole school
- Helen resigning from her positions at the school
- The audience finding out that Principal Morris was the person drawing the cartoons of Helen
The video also features clips of direct interviews with Helen, giving the audience some information about her. Such information includes how her husband left her three years prior to the video, that she does drugs, and that she hates her job and the children she works with.
*School bell rings*
Helen: I've been hall monitor for about 15 years now, yeah.
(Through megaphone) Stop running, you little asshole!
(Through megaphone) Principal Morris, I'm gonna need backup! The kindergartners are raping each other!
Well, yeah! I got promoted to the detention manager!
(Through megaphone) Get your work done! This is detention, not the trailer you come home to every day! You look like a god damn troll.
*Splashing water on her legs and shorts* Every day at 2 PM, I get dryer than the god damn Mojave.
You see this picture? Little asshole didn't even try.
Oh, you just shit yourself?
No talking. (Through megaphone) This is a place of silence!
(Through megaphone) Why don't you get your math done before you get pregnant?
3 years ago, my husband went out one night for a beer. But that beer was all the way in Tennessee and had much bigger tits.
You know Mrs. Perkins, the new math teacher? Lesbian.
Well maybe you wouldn't be in detention if you'd stop playing with the other boys' assholes!
You wanna become what? A doctor? I wanted to become a ballerina, you know what I became? HIV positive.
*David throws lunch box at Helen's head*
Helen: Oh go-- (Through megaphone) Suck my left tit, David, you just got yourself another hour.
*Snatches paper from student* Passing notes, you little asshole? *Unfolds paper* Oh, that's very clever. *Shows class a drawing of her performing oral sex* Who drew this?! Oh, don't laugh Diane, this is a good night for me.
(Through megaphone) *Looks under stall door* BUSTED SHITHEAD! *Opens stall door and enters* Thought you could smoke the marijuana's? You just earned yourself 3 weeks of detention, young man.
*Student rips off her skirt*
Helen: What the-- AHH! (Police siren noise) *Chases after student*
(Through megaphone and behind a window) Principle Morris, one of the second graders is on fire, and I don't think he's gonna make it this time.
You know what happens to little girls who wear shorts that short? A white van picks 'em up and they get all of their holes resized. Not you, Melissa, you're never getting molested.
*Rips drawing off of board* Fucking bitch! *Shows camera a drawing of Helen with large breasts with the word "CUNT in red over her* This is what I found today. I don't know who's drawing these, but I'll tell you what, if I had those tits, I'd still have a husband.
*Following a student holding her hand* Alright, I'm coming, god dammit! Now what did you bring me all the way over here to tell me? You're gay? I wanted a surprise! And nobody else knows about this...?
*Enters Morris' office* Principle Morris, I have terrible news! You know Timmy, the fourth grader? Gay. Told me this afternoon. The hell you mean you not gonna do anything about it? (While pressing a button on the school announcement microphone) He's probably out there right now getting his holes stretched to the size of a shower drain! Tells me my god damn cookies taste like shit, but then likes the taste of cock, well the fag's got another thing coming!
I'm not sure why this thing's still hanging up here. It's dead now.
All of you little assholes are gonna go no where in life.
Yeah, I do a lot of drugs.
This is my letter of resignation, *Slams paper roll on desk* you can roll it up into a tiny little wad and shove it up your (Through megaphone) DICK!
(Through megaphone) You want this open or closed?
*Helen exits and closes the office door*
*Morris turns his notepad to a page with a drawing of Helen with large breasts and the words "I (heart) Donky Dick" in red and draws water drops under her breast*
*School bell rings*
- Director - Brandon Rogers
- Writer - Brandon Rogers
- Camera Man - Gabriel Gonzalez
- Helen Brownstein - Brandon Rogers
- Timmy - Gabriel Gonzalez
- Principal Morris - Anthony Padilla (in A Day at the Beach)
- David - Gabriel Gonzalez
Helen is the only role with a speaking part. Timmy and David's faces are not seen.
In February 2016, Brandon said that he was writing a new video featuring Helen, with the working title of 'Helen: Field Trip Supervisor'. It is unknown when this video will be released, but it can be assumed that Helen either gets a new job at a school, or gets a new job at her previous school.